the phone rings, i cringe. i study the number and hit “ignore”. on another occasion, i decide to take the long way between point a and point b to avoid a certain someone. maybe i get an email that requires a response that i don’t have the nerve to give. someone on my buddy list messages me, and i sit really still in my chair and pretend that i’m “away”. at a bar, i’m approached to be involved in a meeting/organization/event along with some folks that i just don’t like while promoting/benefiting something that i just don’t believe in. i got fed up and cursed an individual out last year, but now, i need something, and they’re the only mofo i know that can get/do it for me.

then one day the phone rings, i know its a bill collector, but i answer anyway. i tell them that yeah, although i work everyday, i don’t have the money but damnit i wish i did. later that day i stand in the middle of the block, knowing that a certain someone will be coming this way at any minute. no, i don’t want to see or talk to them, but damnit i really like standing on this block. i answer all of my emails as soon as they come in. i initiate conversations with everyone on my buddy list and even remember to ask how they’ve been doing since that breakup they were telling me about. the words “sorry i’m not interested” and “oh, good luck with that, but have you seen the bartender lately?” slip from my lips easily and repeatedly as i channel my mother’s smile and charm. amazingly, i can grin wide and lavish unwarranted praise on just about anyone, and i have no qualms when saying “i’ve been meaning to call you, i hear that you’re good with numbers….”

every now and then, maybe about one day a month, i can do just about anything. i can put my self in my back pocket and for 1 day grow the backbone that i wished i owned 29 other days of the month. i had one of those days late last week. i didn’t really think i could do it, but i did, and i’m a better person for it. i think in some small way it may have changed me forever.