santa claus is a black man

tis my last working day of the year and i am antsy as hell to get up out of here. i’ve already had a meeting with the majority of the people on my floor that are actually here today – 5 people plus 1 escapee from the 3rd floor – and established that even if the 3pm “release your team” email does go out, many of our managers aren’t here to release us. And that’s besides the point, because most of us don’t have enough work to keep us busy until 3pm. Only 1 of the 6 people surveyed will be here for even a single day during the week between Christmas and New Years. The 1 guy that’s going to be here next week keeps coming to me and asking me about work. Very soon I’m going to suffocate him with my collection of stress balls.

Therefore, our little sect is contemplating attempting the infamous “Lunchtime Dip” operation. Meaning, screw the 3pm release time, we’ll just go to lunch and not return. What’s the worse that can happen? Your absentee manager pulls you up on January 3, 2006 and says “I hear you were part of the lunchtime dip. You owe me 2 hours”? Right. Mind you that my manager is currently executing the “my manager is on vacation so i’m just going to conveniently not come to work and hope that nothing happens today that i should have been there to manage” maneuver. Its classic. You imply to everyone that you’ll be here on the day before the holiday and even express hope and concern that the 3pm release may or may not happen, and then, just when you’ve faked everyone out, thinking that you’re in the same pathetic and hopeful boat as them, you put on your out of office voicemail and leave town. Its a bit tricky, but with the right preparation and convincing acting, 1 in 19.6 people can pull it off.

When I was a developer for a large global bank 20 minutes north of Manhattan, I set a record for the number of consecutive “Mission Impossible” Friday afternoon escapes. For a year and a half I was able to vanish into thin air at about 1 every Friday. By the time anyone noticed, I was halfway to Baltimore. What could they say? “Wasn’t there a little black girl here a few moments ago?”

Its 11:06 now and coming down to the wire. I was starting to lose my nerve, but a quick walk around the building has increased my confidence a bit. There isn’t a single solitary office with a light on. There’s already a steady trickle of cars leaving the parking lot. I see a bunch of foreign programmers at their desks, but they don’t know any better.

Anyway, enough about how I’m shirking the man on my billing rate. I want to send a shout out to all the Christians in the house. Merry Christmas!! And I can’t forget my brothers and sisters in Judaism, Happy Hanukkah – Put your menorahs up in the air!! And a big Habari gani to my Kwanzaa peoples!!

*”Mission Impossible” music begins…….*

“One Night Extravaganza” by Jamie Foxx ft Kanye West

Last Night, Me and my dawgs were hangin out,
Tired of bein cramped up in tha house,
We were simply celebrating life,
Off from work today, so it’s alright.
But all those up & downs then began to twist,
Started dancing with this model chick,
Then every record became our favourite song,
And that is all that I remember.

Cuz I had one too many drinks,
And ended up at tha embassy,
With this pretty little thing
from Memphis, Tenessee.
It was a one night extravaganza.

When I woke up from last night’s savagery,
Baby girl was layin next to me ( Next to Me)
Shoes and clothes were scattered everywhere.
i got dressed and got up outta there,
But not before i called for me, a cab. ( Me a cab)
Hungover from all the drinks i had. ( drinks i had)
Now I’m telling my story here to you,
Everything that i remember…

Cuz I had one too many drinks,
And ended up at tha embassy,
With this pretty little thing
from Memphis, Tenessee.
It was a one night extravaganza.

I had one too many drinks,
And ended up at tha embassy,
With this pretty little thing
from Memphis, Tenessee.
It was a one night extravaganza.

Extravaganza, (x3)
Oh it was a extravaganza.
Yes it was, Things that I remember.


And I remember,
Bein at tha bar,
Tryin to ask what the Hypno hit fo’ (Hit fo)
Knowin I can’t afford to get Mo’(Get Mo’)
Heres a broke N***a trick,
Buy one bottle and sip slow (Sip slow)
Or, or leave tha club now,
Do like i did,
Come back when you get dough.
A fish stick n***a, now we messin wih lobster,
We messin with Grammy’s, We messin wit Oscar’s. (Jamie: Yeah…)
We messin wit that dranky drank,
Plus you puffin on that stanky stank (Jamie: Yeah…)
In tha morning you ganna draw a blank.
The hotel said ya’ll was a hour
My girl wouldn’t of known shit.
Man, I picked the wrong one.
Steady talking bout I aint like them other girls.
Well tonight, I’m tryin to find them other girls.
Bring they own rubber girl, Never meet your mother girl.
U know they love it when you love them,
Then they tell they’re friends, girrrl.

I had one too many drinks,( Kanye: You know they gon’ blame it on tha drinks)
And ended up at tha embassy,( They jus’use it as an excuse to do exactly what you want)
With this pretty little thing
from Memphis, Tenessee. ( J. Foxx. Kanye to tha)
It was a one night extravaganza. ( & tha winnners are.)

Thats BSP baby,
There’s a lot of Black star power in tha room right now,
Easy, Easy please baby easy,
Calm down please.

I had one too many drinks.

this is dumb

I frequent this makeup website and today they had a question regarding the worst makeup mistakes that folx made in their uninformed youth. I’m so glad that I finally have an occasion to tell this story because I don’t think I’ve ever repeated it.

When I was in jr high I had terrible acne. Well, it probably wasn’t nearly as bad as I thought, but at that age, it was the end of the world. I klepto’d an old foundation compact of my mother’s that only had stuff in the corners. My mother is about 2 shades lighter than me. I would cake my face with this stuff before I left for school in the morning in the dim light of my bathroom. To make matters worse, a girl at school commented to me one day that my face seemed to have cleared up dramatically and asked me what I was using. This was all of the motivation that I needed!! Everyday I kept packing on a thick later of this oily goo that was too light for my complexion. One day, my best friend got a higher grade on a social studies assignment than I did. She decided to rub it in my face – literally. She pulled the paper back and her entire assignment was covered in what looked like mud!! She screamed and everyone in the class whipped around to find out what was going on. I was mortified!!

As a result, I don’t wear foundation to this day. I’ve just worked really hard to even out my skin tone (its still pretty blotchy but who gives a hit?)